I live in a block of flats and one of my many neighbours is an elderly woman (approximately 83 years in age).
So, One day (3 months ago) I was returning home with my son from his nursery and I could see a familiar elderly lady standing aimlessly outside the flat entrance or maybe the word I’m looking for is confused (she looked very confused), clutching onto a blue rubber bag, the type you get from the fish market when you buy an ounce of prawns, except it looked as though there were a couple of documents in this ‘sacred’ rubber bag.
I recognised her by her hunched back and fairly frail frame. It was a cold blustery day and she looked so alone, I just wanted to hug her! I could see her head scarf blowing erratically against the motion of the violent wind. I briskly walked over to her and asked if everything was OK. She explained in a very well spoken voice; Oh yes dear, I’m looking for Halifax bank, is there one in the area and I said yes there is but it’s a bit of a walk from here. I had made the quick assumption in my mind that it would be practically impossible for her to walk that distance alone. She mentioned that she would usually travel by bus from the bus stop directly opposite the flat and would go to another town centre, this bus would stop about 1 minute walk away from the Halifax Bank. She explained, however, that because of her decline in mobility she could no longer make the journey alone.
I could tell from her demeanour that she is normally a very strong stubborn character that would not give up lightly.
I seriously wanted to help this poor old lady but I had my son clasped onto my calves reminding me of how hungry he was and so I explained to the lady that if she could wait until tomorrow morning I would gladly take her. Initially she said she didn’t want to bother me but after profusely advising her that it was no bother at all I could see the growth in delight within in her eyes. I was so pleased that I could help this elderly neighbour of mine.
The very next morning immediately after my children’s school run, I went to knock for her, she was so happy to see me (she had brought her blue rubber bag with her). She clasped onto my arm with all her might and we gradually made our way out and crossed the road to my car. She then gasped and said “Oh wow you are chaperoning me in your car too woooo what a Lucky lady I am today”. I chuckled and then helped her to put her seatbelt on. I don’t know why, but I felt so emotional putting on her seatbelt thinking wow one day we will all be helpless and back to how we started, as babies who are dependent on the help of others. This made me somewhat sad.
We arrived at the town centre and the walk to the bank would usually be about 5 minutes but we walked gradually at her pace. We had to stop in the EE phone shop because I could see she was becoming very tired. I explained to the staff that we only wanted to sit down for some rest – they all understood. But I could see some puzzled faces looking at us like.. what is an old white lady doing with a young black girl and they look extremely close, well, that’s what it felt like they were thinking… people were taking second, third, forth looks.
She began to talk at length about how lonely it can be and not having friends and family, she never had children and never married, she was really opening up to me and then stopped herself in her tracks to apologise for rattling on. I guess it was only natural, who knows when her last in depth conversation was?
I could see that she had regained strength so I encouraged her to continue our journey to the bank.
In all, the 5 minute walk took us about 25 minutes, but we made it safe and sound.
Once we arrived at the bank, we got more stares. A member of staff made her way to us and asked ‘how would you like us to help today?’ and then my dear old lady announced she would like to take out £3,000!!! I was alarmed, I wasn’t expecting her to withdraw such a large amount of money. Immediately, I remembered her little blue bag and thought to myself, huh, where are you going to put £3,000? in the blue rubber bag?
The staff also look concerned, the cashier immediately asked(of course);- “is this lady (me) your carer? The old lady happily explained this lovely young lady is my neighbour.
They asked her if she had a carer then she said oh no no no, I don’t want a carer.
The staff then pulled a chair closer to the counter and asked her a few more questions such as what will you be doing with the money she then explained bills, food and general living allowance.
The staff then asked where are you going from here ( I felt like such a criminal the way the cashier looked at me after asking) only then did I realise how this might appear to onlookers.
The old lady profusely explained in a stern weak voice that she simply needed her money in a lump sum because she cannot afford to go back and forth from home to the bank and She then went on to explain that she has several bills to pay and for food and this money would be for the next 3 months.
Once the staff had practically been told to get on with it I stood there like a pole for a moment and then sheepishly asked the old lady in a very quiet tone why she doesn’t want a carer or professional help she then said no no I’m quite capable just the walking bit is getting a little difficult she said. She then said I’m so grateful for your help today I haven’t been able to eat for the past 2 days because I had ran out of money, you’re a Godsend she said .
By this point all I had to do was blink and I would have been in floods of my own tears. I couldn’t even respond, I stroked her shoulder and just about broke a smile.
The cashier had now counted all the money and the old lady then brought her plastic bag forward, the cashier paused and said ‘erm, do you have a secured handbag?’ and she said OK give it to her and she held on to my arm as if to say please just put it in your bag. I felt so awkward and it felt like the whole Bank was watching us like ‘Breaking News’ on Channel 4. I opened my bag and the cashier placed 3 plastic wallets of £1,000 into my bag. We both walked out and all I could think of was this little old lady hasn’t eaten for 2 days. We made it back into the supermarket car park and I asked her to stay in the car and wait for me. I gave her her money back and placed it into her blue plastic bag and locked the car behind me. I ran into the supermarket holding tears back and just started grabbing essentials such as milk, bread, butter, sugar, tea, biscuits, and things that I thought little old ladies would love to eat. I purchased the items and ran back into the car and we drove back home. As I dropped her to her flat she thanked me profusely and begged me to come inside I said I’m sorry I have to rush to get my son now, but this is for you and as I was about to hand her the shopping I realised she wouldn’t even be able to manage. She was incredibly thankful. She looked so frail and delicate so I agreed to come in and I unpacked all her shopping and made her a cup of tea and biscuits with a plate of fresh strawberries, she was so delighted.
I then asked her again why she didn’t want a carer and she stopped me in my tracks and said please No! I can manage myself honestly.
So now, this is my dilemma… if there’s anybody still here reading… let me just say thank you! But yes, this is my concern.. this little old lady undoubtably needs a lot of help.
I am concerned about her wellbeing but she will not allow me to seek help on her behalf and she clearly needs help. Simple things like getting into the bath bath she has not done so for years she said 😣😔😐
Even cooking and cleaning is practically impossible for her.
She has no family and friends and relies on strangers to help her.
Should I speak to our local council about help for her against her wishes?
Any advise would be gratefully taken.
Thank you.
Mummanopoly 
I would find someone who could take care of her needs. Have you ever asked her if she has family members living? It doesn’t seem like it, or else they would probably help her by now. Anyway sometimes you got to do what you got to do, I say talk to health care professionals, and let them help this poor lady.
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I have asked and she has NO ONE at all. I feel terrible but she practically begged me not to seek help for her and she was adamant! I’ve been checking on her a few times a weak. My kids even remind me now too.
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Well, I just think when she can’t go to the store, and she can’t wash herself. That’s not okay! And as you described she seemed very glad for you’re help. Maybe she just don’t want to bother people?
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Absolutely!! It’s looking like I just have to be ‘mean’ and tell the local authority 😩 she’s going to hate me 👀
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I know, but keep in mind that you’re doing it for her own best!
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You are a very special person. It is very emotional dealing with the elderly, seeing them decline, trying to preserve their dignity. It is easy to see how they can be taken advantage of on their own. You did a beautiful thing. She really does need some outside caregiver to help her. God Bless You for your kind actions.
Dwight
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Awwww thank you Dwight. But ironically this is what concerns me…. surely what I have done is not special?? In my mind, I think is it not normal that anyone would want to extend their ability to a helpless old lady? It’s so sad that we live in a society that doesn’t view this normal. 😦 this makes me sad. We will al become old and helpless one day.
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I think about that also and realize it is not that far away!! What you did was commendable!!
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It ‘is’ normal.. slight error above! She’s a very good friend ours now. My kids love her! We bake for her and make her dinners. Although on one occasion she mentioned she wasn’t used to food such as my lasagne. Don’t know what that meant…hehe..
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Wow, first, great good deed there. You are special and karma will be good to you.
If she’s so adamant about no help, how about getting a meal chain together like when people get sick. Two dozen helpers makes for light work. And if everyone looks in on her just a little on their day, she will have benefited. The problem is getting a couple dozen strangers to help a neighbor but the giving is itself a reward so it may be easier than it sounds. Good luck!😘
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Thank you so much for the valued response. That’s another way to think of it actually, I never thought of getting others to volunteer. I’ll look into that. Thank you 🙏🏾💛
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My kids say I’m always picking up “strays” — people who I always see and form a bit of a relationship with over time, people who are lonely or without family or who just need a laugh— and inviting them for dinner. Some people are profoundly lonely and once you’ve established that they are not a threat, having them over and getting to know them and be concerned about them is the next logical step. As we put people in categories and respect our old and infirm less and less, as kids move off to follow a job or their dreams, so many people get left by the wayside, years of collective wisdom lost. Invite her over for tea. Even your son will gain something from it, even if it’s just seeing the compassion his mother shows for another human who ostensibly has nothing to offer you. But she does, and you her, and your instincts are spot on. Good for you for following them!😍
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That’s lovely! So true. Seems like you have a warm heart too. Giving in itself is so rewarding. 💛
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It is. Good luck with your project.😘☺️
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Many thanks. 💛🙏🏾
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Maybe you could ask for advice and let the professional know that this lady is adamant of not wanting help? There are probably other ways she can be helped.
I have to say though. You are amazing for what did and really should be proud of yourself as in this day and age we ca hardly find good people like you.
Soffy // themumaffairs.blogspot.com
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I have spoken to a tenancy officer however they need her to approach them they said they will do a random visit but not mention anything about me reporting. I feel so bad though because she is very head strong about not wanting help. So I’ve just been helping her since. Took her to the bank again on Thursday she was soooo appreciative. My children love her too so it’s a blessing to help her! I can’t be settled knowing that she needs help and I am not using my small pockets of free time to help her. 😊 Thank you for reading! 💋
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I know everyone who advocates contacting professionals means well, but it’s so easy for an elderly person’s wishes to be swept aside. My inclination would be to respect hers for fear of (a) damaging the relationship you have with her and (b) accidentally opening the door to interfering professionals (some are wonderful, others are not) who might take away the independence she treasures. Be very careful with this. The world’s not a benign place, and even systems that are meant to help people can do untold damage.
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I agree, this was my initial thought at first I simply didn’t want to go against her wishes and upset her. I did contact the council however as her toilet was broken and she was using a Kettle to fill the toilet basin which in turn caused her back pain. This is my only concern… she’s not strong and there a lot of things she cannot do. I took her to the bank again on Thursday, bless her she was so grateful ❣️
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This story broke my hearth and it is a dilemma indeed and the risk is to complicate her situation so what did u do at the end?
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Awwww thank you for reading.
I know, it’s a very sad situation. Her toilet recently broke and so I had to call the council on her behalf to come and fix it for her, I have contacted the authorities to look into the situation but to me anonymous, however they advised that if she strongly does not want assistance there is not much they can do which is awful but I guess for her peace of mind her wishes are respected.
I recently took her to the bank again,she was so delighted for my help and I have of course decided to continue to help her, she is like part of the family now and my children often ask about her and if I forget they even remind me to go and check on her. She has no on so she appreciates our company.
Thank you for reading again!xxx 💛
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You are very good.❤️she is like an adoptive granny😊
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She really is, it’s a pleasure looking after her!
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Really touching! You have such a wonderful caring nature. Glad to know you’ve now developed a relationship with this woman. That’s exactly what she needs. Someone who cares… 😘
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Thank you darling. Shes a sweet old lady and it’s impossible not to want to help her. I got her a portion of fish and chips last weekend, she thoroughly enjoyed it she mentioned she hadn’t eaten it in years! Bless her…. the things we take for granted…
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Reblogged this on sketchuniverse and commented:
💝WELL LOVELIES! IT’S TIME FOR SWEET GRANDMOTHERS AND TENDER STORIES📓
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I recently left a job in a council after several years. At one stage we would try and visit all of our tenants at least once a year to uncover problems like this. Unfortunately times changed and money was cut from budgets. I dispare for all the lonely people out there. I’m glad she has found a friend in you. If you can’t keep helping is there a local church or a befriending service she can access? Or even sheltered accommodation (not an old people’s home) x
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What a lovely post. Yes continue to reach out to community resources for seniors who would benefit by extra help in some way. It is how I found affordable housing that transitions into assisted living and beyond. I’m catching up on reading blogs today and it is always a pleasure reading yours. 🤗✌️
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First: How great that you helped her out and how awkward for you at the bank! It sounds like she does need help, but maybe just someone visiting her daily could make enough of a difference? I don’t know what the situation is in England and it’s hard to help people who are struggling to stay independent. We all want to be independent forever, but we actually aren’t independent ever. I don’t know anyone who makes, grows, etc, every single thing they use and need. But it’s hard to give up the illusion and even harder to give up the things we were able to do for ourselves and then can’t. I would try talking with her some more before doing anything else. You might help her to see how just allowing for a little help could make her life easier. Good luck!
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